By Nicholas DeYoung
After two decades in church leadership—serving as an elder, pastor, teacher, and coach—I’ve collected more scars than trophies, more lessons than laurels, and a heart that is both humbled and hopeful. I’ve seen churches thrive and fracture, watched leaders rise and fall, and held space for people on mountaintops and in valleys so dark that even prayer felt silent. Through it all, I’ve learned a few things—some the hard way, some through the grace of wise mentors, and others only in hindsight.
This article is my offering. If you’re just starting out in ministry, leading a team, burned out, or discerning your next step, I hope this reflection provides a guidepost. What follows isn’t an exhaustive list, but rather a collection of 20 insights, one for each year, shaped by experience, theology, and the unpredictable beauty of the local church.
1. The Church Is Not Yours to Save
When I began, I carried the weight of “success” like a badge and a burden. If attendance dipped or giving was low, I internalized it as failure. But the church belongs to Jesus. He is its cornerstone and sustainer (Col. 1:17-18). Your role is faithful stewardship, not messianic rescue. That distinction will keep your soul intact.
2. You Can’t Lead People Where You Haven’t Been
Jesus exemplified this truth. Before calling others to take up their cross, He carried His own (Luke 9:23–24). Before inviting Peter to walk on water, He walked into the storm (Matthew 14:25). Leadership grounded in integrity means your public words grow from private surrender. King David, for example, wrote songs of trust in God while tending sheep in obscurity long before facing Goliath (1 Samuel 17:34–37). If we try to lead people into depths we haven’t dared to go ourselves—emotionally, spiritually, or relationally—they’ll know. And we’ll crack under the weight.
3. Busyness Is Not Fruitfulness
Activity isn’t the same as impact. Early on, I wore exhaustion as a badge of honor. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places (Luke 5:16). True ministry flows from rest and abiding. Margin is where the Spirit speaks.
4. Leadership Is Discipleship
Church leadership is not a separate category from spiritual formation—it is spiritual formation. Every decision, conflict, and conversation is shaping you into the image of Christ… or away from it. Pay attention.
5. The Most Important Thing You Bring to the Table Is Your Non-Anxious Presence
Moses is a powerful example. When Israel panicked at the Red Sea, he didn’t offer a strategy—he offered stillness. “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). That non-anxious presence came not from self-confidence, but from deep trust in God cultivated in the desert. In the New Testament, Paul models the same steadiness when shipwrecked (Acts 27). Surrounded by fear and chaos, he calmly encouraged those aboard: “Take heart… not a hair from the head of any of you will perish” (Acts 27:34). The peace of a leader becomes the climate for everyone else.
6. Your Family Is Your First Church
Paul writes in 1 Timothy 3:4–5 that an overseer “must manage his own household well… for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” Ministry begins at home. I think of Priscilla and Aquila, whose house was a place of formation and mission (Acts 18). Their leadership as a couple brought both hospitality and theological clarity to Apollos, a gifted but under-formed teacher. In the same way, our homes can be places of worship and discipleship—if we’re willing to prioritize them.
7. Not Every Conflict Is a Sign of Failure
Even Paul and Barnabas had sharp disagreements (Acts 15:36–41). Their split was painful, yet God still used it to multiply the mission. The Bible doesn’t hide the reality of conflict—it shows us how to navigate it redemptively. Jesus taught conflict resolution in Matthew 18:15–17 not as an afterthought, but as part of discipleship. When handled with humility, conflict can lead to clarification of values, healing of relationships, and even deeper trust. It’s not failure—it’s formation.
8. Everyone Loves You Until You Lead Them
This was one of the hardest pills to swallow. When you begin to lead with clarity, you will lose people. That’s okay. You’re not called to please everyone; you’re called to shepherd them. Sometimes shepherding means guiding, sometimes guarding, and sometimes grieving departures.
9. Sabbath Is Resistance
In a culture addicted to output, rest is a protest. Sabbath reminds us: we are not what we do. It is both spiritual practice and act of defiance. I didn’t learn to practice it seriously until I almost burned out. Don’t wait that long.
10. Preaching Isn’t Everything—But It Shapes Everything
Ezra read the Law aloud, and the people wept (Nehemiah 8). The preached Word shapes identity. Jesus began His ministry by teaching in synagogues, reading Isaiah 61, and declaring, “Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing” (Luke 4:21). Preaching is proclamation—but it’s also invitation, exhortation, and formation. I’ve seen hardened hearts soften and weary souls find strength through a single Spirit-filled message. Yet, it’s not performance. Paul reminded the Corinthians, “My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power” (1 Cor. 2:4). That’s the goal.
11. Measure What Matters
In Revelation 2:2–5, Jesus praises the church in Ephesus for hard work, perseverance, and doctrinal purity—but rebukes them for forsaking their first love. External metrics weren’t enough. Jesus wanted affection, not just activity. Likewise, in Matthew 25, the “well done” isn’t given for growth strategies but for faithfulness with what was entrusted. Measuring fruitfulness requires more than numbers. Are people growing in love? Are relationships being restored? Are the poor being cared for? Those are kingdom metrics.
12. Don’t Confuse Vision with Ego
Even King David, a man after God’s own heart, wasn’t permitted to build the temple (2 Samuel 7:1–13). His vision had to yield to God’s timing and sovereignty. Similarly, Paul had plans to go to Asia, but the Spirit redirected him to Macedonia (Acts 16:6–10). Good ideas must be surrendered ideas. I’ve learned to ask, “Is this about God’s glory—or my need to prove something?” That simple question has spared me from initiatives born of insecurity.
13. Jesus Is the Model, Not the CEO
Leadership books are helpful, but Jesus washed feet and embraced children. He rebuked the religious elite and made space for the broken. Your leadership should look more like a servant than a strategist.
14. Your Wounds Will Shape You—If You Let Them Heal
The resurrected Jesus still bore scars (John 20:27). He didn’t hide them. He invited Thomas to touch them. Your wounds—if surrendered—can become places of ministry. I’ve found that when I speak from healed pain, others listen more closely. Joseph, sold into slavery by his brothers, could have let bitterness consume him. Instead, he recognized God’s hand even in betrayal: “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good” (Genesis 50:20). That perspective only comes through healing.
15. Success Is Obedience, Not Outcome
In Jeremiah 7, the prophet preaches faithfully for decades with little visible fruit. Yet God never rebukes him for results. Instead, He affirms his calling. Similarly, in Luke 5, Peter toils all night and catches nothing—until Jesus tells him where to cast his net. The point? Obedience over outcome. In ministry, you will have dry seasons. The temptation will be to redefine success by attendance or applause. Resist it. “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:23) has nothing to do with popularity.
16. Don’t Mistake the Stage for Intimacy with God
Jesus warns in Matthew 7:22–23 that some will say, “Lord, didn’t we prophesy in your name…?” and He will respond, “I never knew you.” That is a haunting reminder. Ministry activity does not equal relational intimacy. King Saul had spiritual authority long after he lost spiritual connection. David, in contrast, cries out, “Create in me a clean heart… take not your Holy Spirit from me” (Psalm 51:10–11). What matters is not just being used by God—but being known by Him.
17. People Are Not Projects
They are not obstacles to your vision or data points in your strategy. They are image-bearers. Treat them that way. Slow down. Listen. Mourn with them. Celebrate with them. Share coffee, not just content.
18. Every Church Has a Culture—Whether You Name It or Not
If you don’t intentionally shape culture, it will shape itself. Pay attention to language, values, decision-making patterns, and the stories your community tells. These shape your church as much as your statements of belief.
19. The Church Needs Both Courage and Compassion
Jesus showed this balance perfectly in John 8. When the woman caught in adultery is dragged before Him, He neither excuses sin nor condemns the sinner. “Neither do I condemn you… go and sin no more.” That’s courage and compassion, truth and grace. In leadership, you’ll be tempted to pick one. But the gospel calls us to both. Stand firm in truth, but always with tears in your eyes. Love doesn’t compromise, but it also doesn’t crush.
20. God Is Still at Work—Even When You Feel Like a Failure
There were seasons I wanted to quit. Moments I did. People who left. Dreams that died. But I can say with certainty: God is not finished with His Church. And He’s not finished with you.
He will build His Church.
Final Reflections: Leading for the Long Haul
These 20+ lessons haven’t just shaped my leadership—they’ve shaped my life. They’ve kept me anchored when storms came, humbled me when success knocked, and drawn me closer to the heart of God through both joy and grief.
But here’s the most beautiful part: I’m still learning. And that’s the grace of church leadership. It’s not about arriving. It’s about becoming. About being transformed, alongside your people, into the likeness of Christ.
If you’re weary—rest. If you’re burned out—reach out. If you’re considering giving up—remember, the One who called you is faithful. He will not leave you where He found you.
Invitation
If you’re a church leader—whether you’re ten days in or twenty years deep—know this: you’re not alone. The path may be narrow, but it is not empty. Others are walking it with you. And the One who called you is faithful.
If you’re navigating leadership, transitions, burnout, or the messiness of ministry and want someone to process with, I’d be honored to walk with you.
Let’s rediscover the joy of serving Christ and His Church—together.
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